am i happy?


I am turning 17 this year.
I am a first year student at my tertiary education.
Luckily for me, I had Jamie with me even though we were from a different course.
Jamie and I , we go a long way back.
She had been my best friend for the past 12 years and I can't imagine my life without her.
It was the first day at school and I wanted people to notice me.
I wanted to make a big impression but I have nothing to wear.
A tank top and shorts? Too casual
A black dress? Too dressed up
A jumper? Too warm
A romper? Troublesome if I need to go the toilet.
I quickly screened through the wardrobes before finally settling for a basic t-shirt and jeans.
First day of school, and there were so many girls who were dressed to impress.
I felt odd, felt like I didn't belong there.
Not until, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
I turned and there she was, Emily. Tall, slender, busty.
"She's definitely gonna attract the attention of all the guys especially in that tight fitting bodyon dress". I thought to myself.
 After that incident, Emily and I began hanging out even more. We sort of became besties. I stopped hanging out with Jamie as I felt that she was not on par as me and that I had to stop being friends with her.
And that was when everything changed.
You see, I was brought up in a single parent family.
My mom had 2 jobs in order to support my two younger brothers and I.
Hanging out with Emily, meant that I had to keep up with the fashion trends and we always got invited to parties.I wanted to get to know boys so being at parties was one of the ways that I could get to know them.
I refused to help my mother out by having a part-time job in order to support myself.
Instead, I've always asked my mother for money and slowly the amounts became larger and larger.
I only bought clothes which are branded and only carried bags which had labels on them.
I refused to talk about my mother to Emily because it is just going to ruin my image.
The boys I meet, they have to pay for my meals since they are the ones who asked me out.
I do not go out with guys who earn so little or serving the nation.
I only go out with guys who drive really nice cars.
Who the hell takes trains anyway?
Ugh, it is so disgusting to be surrounded by people and ughhh their body fluids.

I want to throw my birthdays at 6 star hotels and only accept gifts which costs me above $500.
Emily had surgery done for her nose and I decided to get it too.
Eventually, I found that there were so many imperfections that I see in myself and I want to get all of them fixed.
However, being around the boys would probably not get me enough money for my surgeries.
That's when I decided to get a sugardaddy or just clients.
I provided sexual services at a rate of $500 per hour.
Expensive? I think it is just reasonable  since I am a local girl here.
On some occasions I would earn about $12500 in a week.
I only dine at fancy places.
The only thing I care about is the number of followers that I have on instagram.
I only care about the number of likes that I receive.
I don't really care if I make it in school.
The only way to score more likes is if I were to show off my boobs more.
Sigh, I just need to get more expensive clothings.
I liked the attention I got, I loved the fact that I was earning so much, I was loving my new nose and chin.
Years went on and I changed from someone who was very plain and boring to someone who was living the life.
Years went on and I started to get bored with myself, with the life I led.
I realised that I wasn't genuinely happy.
Emily and I are best friends but we never really had a friendship whereby we were both completely honest with each other. With Emily, it was always a competition between us. A competition to see who was the better out of the two. 
It was then that I gathered my courage to text Jamie just to ask her how she is.
It was nerve-wrecking.
My phone was then brought to life by a single text from Jamie.
"Uhh? I am fine. Why do you care anyway?"
Even though Jamie and I had no longer spoken to each other in such a long time, I could feel my tears welling up in my eyes.
It was probably because I have missed her too much or perhaps I was feeling guilty by the way I treated her before.
"I am not okay. I'm just feeling really empty on the inside".
It is true.
I really did feel empty on the inside. All of the partying and mingling, the money that kept coming in...
I just didn't feel happy.
How was I supposed to feel happy by letting a random stranger fuck me?
Why did I even think that by having all of hese expensive clothes and handbags, I would be happy?
Even with looks, I realised that I am never once happy with myself.
The only things I saw were just imperfections.
So what if I have over 65K followers on instagram with at least 7K likes on every photo?
I just wasn't happy.
I am never happy.
And I will never be happy.
What's wrong with me?
What happened here?
I am tired of the life I am living.
Why have I turned into smeone I am not?
Questions kept running through my mind.
My phone rang.
"Hey babe, wanna head to a party? A lot of rich guys are gonna be there. Come on, let's go".
I know I should say no but I can't just reject Emily that way.
After hesitating for a while, I replied 
"Okay sure".

"If only I could find all the happiness in the simple things in life, then maybe one day I will realize what it truly feels to be happy. All I ever wanted was to be happy"

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