Not too sure if she is  finding happiness the correct way.
Drinking and smoking her life away.
Meeting people only to get high
8 pints and she was brought back to a room
Waking up the next morning with a stranger , all dazed and confused.
Wanting to be loved but not in this way.
Grabbed her clothes and left the room.
Scrolling through her phone.
24 missed calls and 16 unread messages.
That's when she saw his name
Her heart skipped a little before she let out an exasperated sigh.
Contemplated a little before backspacing what she wanted to reply
"Nah, he can't see me this way,"  she thought to herself.
Lighted another cigarette and eventually flagged a cab home
Her phone rang.
It was Erica
"Omg, where have you been? We were all so worried about you. Did you get home safe?"
Flashback and images started to run in her mind.
Flashy lights in a crowded area.
She thought she wouldn't see him anymore but there he was across the dance floor.
Holding and caressing somebody else.
Someone who is going to take her place.
A year has passed but the feelings in her heart were still there.
Her heart was filled with bitterness, sadness and a lot of disappointments.
She had a lot of whys and what ifs but those were probably irrelevant as of now at least to him.
She never thought she would be back to where she was
She thought she was strong enough to pull through
She was convinced that she was over it all..
She was determined to make a change and give it another shot but he was done.
"Hello? Katie are you there?"
" Oh yeah I am....still here. Uh yeah I got home safe. Anyway Erica, I'm really tired. Can I give you a call back later in the day? We could meet up for dinner".
She opened his text message
"hey katie, I hope you are doing fine and that you are happy now with your new found love."
New found love?
Who was her new found love?
"'s not as what it seems..." , her fingers tapped quickly onto her keypad and she contemplated again before erasing the texts.
Her life was in such a mess.
She didn't know how to face him anymore.
She didn't want to see him anymore.
What is he going to think of her then?
Ever since the breakup, her life spiraled into an insane and emotional rollercoaster.
She has no one to turn to.
Not even her best friends because she was afraid of what they might think of her.
Meeting guys and then following them up to their apartments.
Waking up and leave their place was becoming a norm for her.
It wasn't because she was looking for sex.
She wanted to feel wanted.
She desired to feel desired.
She wanted to fill that void in her heart.
Going to bed with the men made her feel good about it.
She felt her needs were satisfied however each morning, she wakes up feeling empty.
She doesn't know when this would end.
She wakes up each morning with a " He is not going to call me back".
She knew what the men wanted from her
She gave them what they need
Even though she was left feeling shitty about it the next day
She hated the feeling
But she still carried on.
She doesn't know what she wants anymore.
She just wants it all to go away.
She wants love but she is looking for it at all the wrong places.
She got herself changed into her most comfortable clothing before slowly resting herself in her bed.
She stared at the ceiling.
Tears began to roll down her eyes.
She hugged her pillow tight and popped 5 colorful pills into her mouth before flushing them down with a can of beer which she managed to find in her refrigerator.
Those of which were prescribed to her by her psychiatrist.
Her usual dosage was just 2 per morning
The pills made her sleep better.
She wanted to sleep forever.
She shut her eyes and mumbled to herself
 "May this be the last time that I'll close my eyes".

You Might Also Like