Better Love

21:54:00

I've been listening to Foxes , 'Better Love" a lot and it kind of reminded me of how I felt most of the time in my previous relationship. I don't really like to talk about my relationships in detail but I just feel that the situation in the song kinda fits how I actually felt most of the time in that relationship.


In Better Love , Foxes is talking about an era of her life where she felt lonely and depressed. She wanted her lover to help encourage and lift her up. But sadly, he wasn’t there for her. He didn’t even try to be. As much as she wanted to leave the relationship, she just continued to stay because she can't bring herself to do it. She wasn't happy but she had a lot of hope in her relationship that one day it will be better.


You could say that we were always happy and didn't seem to have any problems. I cried a lot actually. There were a lot of photos of us together in our social medias.Everyone kinda thought that we would make it so when we broke up, it was pretty surprising.  There were times that I did feel unappreciated and feel insecure. I felt that I wasn't appreciated and even if we argued , most of the time...the blame would be on me. Because according to him, I am always throwing tantrum or whatever. I tend to be very quiet if I don't like the way my boyfriends reply me. Like if I am asking something nicely and he uses sarcastic words on me, I will just feel really offended. Now after we have broken up, I am starting to wonder why I always give in to him at times. Like somehow I always let him "win" the argument. It was probably because I loved him a little too much that I just can't really bear to leave or end the relationship even though there were a few "almost" situations. Yes, he does know that I kind of regretted the relationship. Even now, when I think about him, I feel that he doesn't even love me from the start. I was probably just someone whom he needed to depend on to get through with his life. 


I tried to be understanding and just put up because I didn't want to argue unnecessarily but sometimes I get really upset so we argue. I just hoped that he would be able to love me better...and we can work together so that our relationship would last. But whenever, I get upset when I felt unappreciated , he would always say that I am difficult to please and the one thing that I didn't like was that he would tell other people what our argument is about etc. I honestly can survive if I don't meet my boyfriend for so long as long as when we meet, we just treasure the time we have together. I don't demand for expensive gifts or whatever. I don't really need him to pay for my stuffs. The downfall of our relationship began in December. We hardly met during these period but meeting him after a 2 week stretch of not meeting was more than enough to make me happy. It didn't really matter to me where we were at...as long as we could spend time together even if it is just for an hour or so.


A couple of weeks or so after our breakup, there were photos of him and another girl. He seemed really happy and I just felt sad once again. I didn't feel sad because I was jealous of her but it got me thinking of how much the relationship had meant to him. I have no rights to stop him from posting whatever but you know for me, I just feel that it isn't right for me to start posting photos of myself with another guy immediately or right after the breakup. I did feel hurt but I just had to suck it up and move on. Slowly as time passed by, I became more sure of what I want.And that was, a better relationship. I kinda gave my all in this relationship. I really had hopes that we would last a long long time. He was my go-to , my best friend and my partner in crime. As much as I had insisted on breaking up at times when we argue, I just get really scared again and can't bear to lose him. 


The breakup has definitely changed the way I look at relationships. Sometimes, you shouldn't settle for something less than what you deserve. But you know, when you fall in love with someone. You accept their flaws and accept them for who they are. You have expectations but sometimes you tend to close an eye on your partner because you just love them too much. You have hopes. Maybe sometimes, it is better to not put in too much hope as they might lead you to disappointments.


Maybe one day I will be able to  be with someone who will love me better.....
And oh...happy what would have been a 2 year anniversary.

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