Death of me


"Hey sexy, last night was amazing. Come over my place for a drink later on after Isabelle is asleep?"

Clara? Who the hell is Clara?

If anything, I was the stupidiest girl ever.
How could I have not seen that I was just an option and not a priority?
I need to come to my senses that Paul and I were no longer on the same page.
That page of being faithful to one another and to not hide anything from each other.
Paul has cheated on me twice during our 4 years of relationship together.
I have always forgave him and hoped that one day he would change....
However,Sara had already warned me...
A leopard would never change its spots.
But every single time, Paul comes back to me with that face of his and that smirk on his face,
I just can't help but take him back again.

I should have known from the start that Paul was seeing someone else.
He was having sex with somebody else.
Our sex hasn't been that great...
We had stopped having sex for over 4 months.
We used to be passionately in love with each other but all that has now faded.
Even if I asked Paul for it, he would tell me that he was tired or had to turn in early as he has work the next day.

Damn it, what am I so afraid of?
Why can't I just grow some female balls and just tell him that I can't deal with this any longer?
That I can't put up with his shit?
What am I so afraid of?
Was it loneliness?
Why am I so reliant on Paul?
I deserved so much better and I didn't have to put myself in this position.

 Paul was in the shower. Getting ready for work.
I quickly pressed the "lock" button on his phone and positioned it as to how it was before.
The tap stopped running and Paul stepped out and walked to me and planted a kiss on my face.

"Oh hey , good morning", I pretended to yawn and smiled at him.
"Good morning sleepyhead", Paul greeted me with a smile as he ruffled my hair.
Paul then got up from the bedside and had a look through his phone.

"Oh fuck, the inbox notification..." I thought to myself.

Paul continued looking through his phone.

"Hmm, he probably didn't notice it". I thought to myself.

I got out of my bed and hugged Paul from behind while resting my face on his back.

"Uh paul, are you coming home for dinner? I'm cooking your favourite pasta and mashed potatoes tonight"

Paul turned and faced me...

"I'm sorry...I have a meeting tonight. I don't think I can make it for dinner tonight with you but I promise I'll make it up to you okay babe?"

I knew he was lying.
At that moment, I should have just confronted him.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I could feel my tears well up.
My eyes and nose turn red really quickly when I feel like breaking down.

"hey, hey...what's wrong? Haha. omg are you seriously crying right now? It's not that I don't want to have dinner with you. It's just that , know work is important, and the promotion hun. Think of the promotion. I promise I will bring you wherever you want once I have gotten my raise." assured Paul.

What a disgusting liar.

I faked a laugh and helped Paul with his tie.
Paul picked his suitcase and his mobile.
He gave me a peck on the lips and left for work.

As I closed the door behind me, I started bawling my eyes out.
I didn't know who I could turn to.
I am stupid, I really am stupid.
I should just set this place on fire.
What is the point?
Paul doesn't love me anymore.

I ran straight for the study and pulled out a paper from the priniting tray and starting writing a note.

Dear Paul,

I am terribly hurt by all the pain that you have caused me and I really don't think that I can deal with the pain anymore. You have fucked me up real bad and I don't think that I will ever be sane again. Why do you always lie to me? Why do you have to cheat on me? I don't need this , Paul. I hope my death makes you guilty for life. Guilty for all the sufferings that you have caused me. I should have known right from the start that you wouldn't change. What the fuck am I to you? What does our relationship even mean to you? 

Dear Mom and Dad, 

I am sorry that I have to come to this as my decision. I have no reasons to live anymore. I am sorry that I am to disappoint you as a daughter. Please help me take good care of Riley for me. I am gonna miss that little bud.

With Love,

I placed the note in an envelope which read "Open Me".
I pulled out the gun from my drawer.
I pointed the gun to my head....
I was shaking...
I was so nervous but I knew I had to.....
I took a final deep breath.
I closed my eyes tight....
And I pulled the trigger.

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