I could remember how it felt. The sharp pain in my chest. The feeling of shock and disbelief when I heard news that Jeremy got into an accident and that he was gone. I remember tears rushing down my face. I was so torn inside that I couldn't feel my legs anymore and I just crashed to the floor. I felt that my whole life just collapsed upon me. I remember rushing down to the hospital and seeing his parents outside of the emergency unit. 

"How is this possible?"
"But why?"
"Where is he?"
"What do you mean?"

It feels like these feelings have been going on repeat the entire day.

It feels like it has been forever that I have been lying in bed and just looking up at the ceiling. 
I could hear the ticking of the clock.
The night is quiet and it felt a little lonely. 
I turned to my side and stared out of the window.
Once in a while, the headlights of cars would cast a shadow on my wall as they drive by. 
Even though I was not doing anything except just lying in bed, I felt tired.
I felt restless.
I decided to get out of bed for a while and walked over to my drawer.
Searching for any sleeping potions or happy pills that would help me get rid of this restlessness feeling.
I pulled every single drawer, muttering all the way about how stupid I was to not get more prescriptions the day before. 

"Ugh, fuck this ".  as I slammed the drawer shut.

I  grabbed my bag and got out of my apartment.
I looked at my watch, it was 3.50am.
People are probably wondering what the hell was this girl doing at this hour..but I couldn't care less.
I walked and walked until I came across a familiar building.
The building was abandoned for some time. But apparently, the lift doors were working.
If you asked me if I would dare to go up at this hour 7 years ago, I would think that you are insane.
I smiled to myself and pressed the button and
I took the lift up to the rooftop level.
The rooftop level held a lot of meaning for Jeremy and I.

On the last night with Jeremy, our conversations mostly involved talking about where we were gonna be once we were done with school, what color we would like our kitchen walls to be painted and thinking of names for our first daughter/son. Jeremy was like no other men in my life. Jeremy was a great guy.If there was one thing that I would never forget, it is how satisfied he was in life that I found it almost ridiculous to think that there was someone in  this world whom is appreciative of every simple thing that he has. 

The cold night air was relaxing. I reached for the pack of cigarettes in my bag and lighted a stick. As I inhaled, I could feel that  my tears were starting to well up. I sat by the ledge and just puffed as I started to replay images in my head. Images of how Jeremy would often tease me and how we shared our very first kiss at the spot where I was seated. It was also the spot where I never expected that I would last see Jeremy ever again.

"Oh Jeremy. Thank you for everything ", I sighed as I looked up at the night sky....
"I know that you are still here even though I can't see you....Oh jeremy". I sighed again before my body started releasing short spasms and I crumbled once more.

Jeremy taught me to be brave, to overcome my fears and to always be happy. I was never the daring sort. He was patient with everyone and he never once raised his voice at me even though at times, I may be a nasty bitch to him. Jeremy always saw the good in people. He only wanted to see the good in others. I still think that was a really stupid idea but that what made Jeremy, Jeremy.

Jeremy taught me that it was perfectly alright to just break a few rules and to just live a little. 
I remember back in '09, when Jeremy brought me to this spot and I was very hesitant because I was afraid that we would get caught. I was so afraid of all the negative possibilities that could happen that I forgot to just live in the moment of things.

The view from the rooftop was incredible. Everything looks way better when you look at things from a different perspective as long as you are willing to try and take a step to do something different for once and to just bask in the atmosphere and live. 

Somehow or rather, I know that I should pick myself up again...and not forget all the good times that Jeremy and I shared. The way we grew up together even if it was just for a short while. I'll never forget this lover of mine. This lover of mine who taught me that it was absolutely alright to be afraid and to take a leap in order to overcome my fears. This lover of mine who taught me that sometimes in life, you just got to live a little.

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