Ahhh people are stressing me out


Have you ever been in a situation whereby you are torn between being a bitch and at the same time you are nice?

Like for example, someone who is giving you all the time in the world and is willing to put an effort to get to know you better but you refuse them of that chance and whenever they try, you just get slowly more and more annoyed each day but at the same time you feel bad for rejecting them.
And then you are unsure of what you should do because people are like stressing you out.

I can be really straightforward and I don't like it when people just don't understand where I am coming from when I reject them when they ask me out or whatsoever.
I have been meeting new people these days and to be honest, it is getting really tiring for me that I sometimes prefer to just being alone or just being around the same people whom I see almost every day and am in close contact with. It is just that I am at the stage in life whereby I just do not wish to socialise anymore. First dates are getting really boring for me, nothing excites me anymore.(not that I am complaining of boredom) But honestly though,it's always the same routine "So what do you do? Ahh how's the food?" I am tired.

I am difficult to love, hard to please...and hard to impress.
Which explains why I am not in a relationship in a long while.
I know age is catching up on me... (sheesh like as though I am that old)
But you know I just don't see a point of just settling down with someone just for the sake of it.
I honestly don't mind not marrying anyone or whatsoever. Yeah sure, pity that you won't be able to see me in a wedding dress but...what can I do?
It's not that I am overly picky and like as if I have a list of what I want in a guy.
I am just leaving things to God....to do whatever is good for me.
I know I have sinned a lot but honestly though there are a lot of things that I'd like to find out.
Maybe before I go to Hell, I would love to just have some time with God and ask him...everything that I want to know.
I am not a perfect human being....I am just curious.
Maybe for now, I haven't found the right one who is able to change how I feel towards things.

Whenever people try to tell me stuffs like they are trying to learn more of my behaviours and stuffs, I just feel like I am being exposed. It's not an insecurity or whatsoever. It's just that I don't feel comfortable when people are doing things and have expectations of me reacting in a certain manner towards their actions. I honestly don't like it when people set expectations of me especially if I haven't known you yet or...if you know me but don't understand where I am coming from.

I don't like it when people try to draw conclusions of myself and talking like as though they know stuffs about me when they don't. I like my privacy on certain things and thoughts and I just feel like sometimes people shouldn't tell others what they should do or shouldn't do because it is entirely up to the person how they would like to live their lives.

 Somehow or rather, I guess the vibe that I give to people is that I am very depressive and I need someone to talk to and all that.
I am just expressive. I am not sad about anything.
I like the feeling of sadness but that doesn't mean that I am sad in real life.
I listen to depressive music because it calms me down.
I've always liked sadness because it gives a feeling of calmness and somehow you are just able to think better.
There is nothing in this world that I am sad about honestly.
Instead I feel proud of myself. Feeling proud that I was able to be able to stand up for myself and to learn to say no, proud of being able to be brave and just do what I think is right  and know what I want.
Everyday I am maturing more and more. I can safely say that I am no longer the girl whom I used to be before. And that is not a bad thing at all.
I am happy with myself and the stage that I am in.

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