I cheated on you.


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I cheated on you and you'd never know.
You'll never know because I was able to conceal it so well.
You were too busy with your own life that you did not even see it when I started disappearing behind your back. If you were to know then what you knew now, maybe things would have been different. As much as I've tried to tell myself that whatever I did was wrong and selfish, I did it anyway. Sure, the ones who cheated get all the blame but have you ever thought that it is because of the other party that the other person starts to cheat?

With you, I felt like my whole life was not good enough for you. I wanted you to appreciate me for all that I have done but no. You pushed me to a point whereby I started to wonder if all of these was worth going through eventually. You had me deciding whether I still wanted to carry on with this relationship or to just let it go completely. A part of me felt like I still needed you, part of me felt like I deserved better. I was hoping that you'd eventually change but no. Yet, I still stood next to you and kept you in my life because you made me happy even though you fucked me up pretty bad. At that point, you were both the reason for my happiness and at the same time my misery. I was just an emotional masochist.You're no good for me but I still kept you in.

It was a Thursday. We argued.Again. Usually I was the type to just give in eventually but that day, I just got so sick and tired of you and started talking about us to this guy I've just gotten to know over at a party.He was really nice. He understood me. He knew I was upset so he just asked me out right after work. It had been 4 hours since you last texted me. You'd never reply to my texts or my calls. I got tired of you. At first, I was hesitating if I should just go out with this guy. I mean, what the hell, I just started talking to him. Your actions showed me that you did not give a shit about things anymore somehow led me to that decision of just meeting this other guy. 

We met at 7pm, had dinner and I was really enjoying myself getting to know him. I almost forgotten you for a bit. I did not even bothered to look at my phone. He was funny. He made me laughed and when it got really late, he eventually sent me home. As soon as I got home, I checked my phone again and nope, nothing from you. I just texted you " Hey, sorry just got home. Going to go take a shower and sleep now. Goodnight, love you". 

The next morning you asked me where I went the night before and I just told you that I met a friend. It became a routine after that. Whenever we argued, I'd find this other guy...go out....forget about you and our arguments and feel happy. His name was then eventually replaced to a girl's name and I'd told him not to text me first as I might be with you. You weren't the type to check my phone anyway so I wasn't really afraid of getting caught. But just in case , so I replaced his name. When you weren't around, he was there and when he wasn't there for me , you were around. At that moment I felt really happy because I felt like I had the upper hand and a better advantage because either way, I will still have either one of you by my side. For once I felt wanted, I felt appreciated. He would surprise me all the times with gifts. Dates with him were way more interesting as compared to yours. We kissed, we hugged, we held hands.... engaged in the usual sexual activities when you weren't around to pleasure me.

It wasn't until several meetings with this other guy that I started to actually feel guilty of doing this to you. Somehow I got reminded of you and how we used to love one another.  I told him we couldn't see each other anymore and when we met again on a Sunday, I remembered you asking me if everything was alright as I appeared to behave in a rather unusual manner. I faked a smile obviously and told you that everything was alright and that I was just feeling under the weather. At first the other guy wasn't too happy that I had decided to just cut off all ties with him but thankfully he respected my decision. I was pretty scared at first that he might just tell you about me eventually but nope he didn't.

You are probably wondering who that guy was. Well, remember that one time we both attended your friend's party, you introduced me to your friends. Thanks to you, I got to know him. You were getting too busy with the other boys and I disappeared for a bit. You were getting drunk and wasted on your alcohol while I slipped away, hooking up in the bathroom with your that friend of yours. And yes, he was the same guy that I continued to cheat on you with for the next 2 months. Amazing, isn't it? The two people whom you put your trust into just betrayed you that way and you'd never saw it coming. 

And that was one of my greatest achievement ever. Cheating on a boyfriend and never getting caught. 

In your eyes, I'd only be seen as the innocent girl who'd probably not betray you and would listen to your every request and demand. I'd probably am not capable of breaking your heart. To you, if any one of us were to become a victim, it would always be me. Yes, I am selfish and yes, I should have let you go when I saw someone better than you and felt happier with someone else. Call me sick in the head or mental, but it brought me even more joy knowing that I have stabbed you right in the back and you not knowing of this at all. You're stupid. I'm  smart and you'll never know what else I am capable of doing.

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