What it feels like to be in a rather conservative environment


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I have contemplated writing about how I am actually leading two different lifestyles and how my personality differs from when I am with my family as well as the real me. I know family matters can sometimes get really messy. Don't get me wrong. I love my family and I think that they are great and they would always want the best for me. However, there is this part of me that wants to break free but I just can't.

So if you haven't noticed, I rarely party or rather... my first clubbing experience happened only a month ago. The reason is because I have really overprotective parents and so sometimes fighting for my own rights can be really exhausting and pointless because I am going to lose anyway.  I don't like quarrelling with my parents. So most of the time I'll just give in to their requests.  How does it feel to have curfews at this age and all? Well, it isn't fun at all and which also explains why sometimes I am always home on a Friday night and just doing my own stuffs and blogging for example. It is just some of the few things that I enjoy doing. It's a hobby.

Now my family as a whole, are really conservative people and my cousins, well some of them are the type that tends to not mind their own businesses and always bitching or talking about other people to their own moms. So when my aunts and mom meet up, sometimes they'll just like talking about me indirectly and I just.. don't like it at all. I used to be really close with my cousins when we were younger but as we grew older, we became super competitive and it just became like a very fake and bitchy environment. Also, explains why I hate family gatherings and Hari Raya because... I just don't see a point of us meeting once a year and talking about things like so how's work and answering repeatedly where I am working at.

The reason why I refuse to put my real name on the blog started when I was 14. So basically, I had a blog back then but I didn't choose to go ahead with my real name because I don't want my parents , family members to know what I have been doing and all. I do not want to feel restricted. I felt like the internet was the only way whereby I am free to talk about just anything..but at the same time I didn't felt quite free. So this name Chanelle came about from this story book that I remembered reading and basically this character who loved sleeping. So I picked that name and then I needed a back name so that it would rhyme. If you knew me when I was 16 or 17, you'd probably known me as Chanelle Catastrophic. HAHAHA. Don't judge. And then I began blogging again a year ago and just changed that Catastrophic part because I am too old for that now and went to look for something nicer and  I just felt that Chanelle Aretha sounds good together so voila~.

Yes, for a Muslim... I am definitely not a good example. I do things that Muslims aren't supposed to do. And the reason for that is because I just feel that... as long as you are not doing anything bad to someone else or an animal, you will be okay. This is just my thought anyway. I mean there are some thing sthat I don't quite understand yet but yes I hope to learn about them eventually.

So my family is really conservative. I am a very expressive person. I like to take sensual shots and I like to talk about anything that comes into my mind. This is just a hobby of mine.I feel that this is the only way whereby I can really be myself. However, to my family... it is considered as shameful etc. I never mentioned to my family that I was on Men's Health magazine March Issue too.Of course it'd be nice to have your family support. I don't really care that I am losing a lot of partying and enjoying and having fun because I am already enjoying how I can occupy my time writing posts and sharing my thoughts. I guess the last thing that I need is for someone to tell me to stop what I am doing.

It is hard.
But either way, I hope eventually my family would start being more open with the things that I do or talk about. And as for my cousins, hopefully they'd be able to respect me and just mind their own business. No doubt I am the 3rd youngest cousin in the family tree, but come on man. Let me live. Whether I live my life in a good way or bad way, that life and whatever punishments that I'll get in the Afterlife is for me to deal with and not you.

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